


See Me in Hindsight (Tangled Up with You All Night)

by meet_me_behind_the_mall



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Bunker, Daydreaming, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fantasizing, Fluff, Love, Mild Angst, Mild Smut, Soft Toni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meet_me_behind_the_mall/pseuds/meet_me_behind_the_mall
Summary: This is her fantasy of choice not because it’s hot as fuck, but because it’s domestic and comfortable and loving and all of the things she never had.When did I become so fucking sappy? She thinks.Or: Toni passes the time in the bunker with a reoccurring fantasy staring a certain blonde.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 24
Kudos: 233





	1. Chapter 1

Toni thinks about it almost every night now. She’s developed a routine of sorts: if she can wrangle her anger and keep her thoughts at bay during the day, she lets herself indulge in this specific fantasy as soon as the bunker lights go out.

In the first few days here, thoughts ricocheted across her skull with abandon. Martha’s wellbeing, Shelby’s ankle, Leah’s increasingly plausible theories, Shelby’s hair, Rachel’s injury, Nora’s uneasiness, Shelby’s smile, Shelby, Shelby.

Now she only lets herself have this one daydream, like some sort of sick reward for making it another day in this sick place. She’s done it so many times now that she can close her eyes and see it before her, like a well-loved movie with an audience of one.

_Her first thought is always the bed. She imagines the stiff bunk beneath her transform into one that’s plush and big enough for more than one person. It’s covered in Shelby’s pile of pillows and Toni doesn’t even mind, because arranging them together every morning makes the blonde smile._

_The walls are white in a way that’s bright instead of sterile and the room–their room–is warmly decorated with accents of yellow, Shelby’s favorite. The space is not without her own influence, though. Framed prints of her favorite Lynx players line the wall next to the window and there’s a rugged navy beanbag tucked in the corner. It’s an eccentric blend altogether, but it’s so distinctly theirs that neither girl care._

_Toni sprawls out on the sheets, reveling in the soft scent of Shelby that lingers there._

_“Mornin’, love.”_

_Toni’s gaze skates around the room and stops dead on Shelby, who’s perched on their dresser. Toni’s basketball jersey hangs loosely around her shoulders and hits her mid-thigh. Toni is breathless because except for a pair of lacy black underwear that peaks out beneath the mesh, the jersey is all she has on._

_“Fuck, you trying to kill me here, babe?”_

_She remains dazed for a second longer before suddenly getting her wits about her and bounding across the room to meet Shelby in a bruising kiss. Her long, soft curls frame her face so beautifully that Toni almost hates to mess them up but can’t help herself from twisting her hands into her hair anyway._

_They pull away after a few minutes of making out and Toni gazes into Shelby’s verdant eyes. She always has the fleeting thought that they could stop right here and she wouldn’t even mind. If they never made it past first base but she could study Shelby’s reverent expression indefinitely, she’d die happy._

_“You look…” Toni considers all of the possible ways to end the sentence. Beautiful? Sexy? Captivating? Hot? Gorgeous? Stunning? None of them could possibly do the woman in front of her justice, so she has to settle, “…really, really good.”_

_“Quite the charmer you are this morning,” Shelby teases back, but she can see the desire in Toni’s expression. Toni kisses her again before trailing her mouth across her jaw and sinking her teeth into the soft skin of her neck._

_“That feels nice,” Shelby moans, holding Toni to her._

_Toni can’t be bothered to pull away, so she mutters into her neck, “just wanna make you all mine.”_

_“I’m sitting here in our house in your jersey with your lips on mine,” she laughes, “I think it’s clear who I belong to.”_

_“Mmm, then maybe I’m just doing it because I know you like it.”_

_Shelby doesn’t respond, but arches into her touch and gives Toni better access to her neck._

_“You’re wearing entirely too many clothes,” Shelby complains. Toni isn’t even conscious of what she’s wearing, just that it’s now on the floor and that’s that. Until this point, she’s had Shelby gently pinned to the dresser, standing between her legs. The blonde never lets her have the upper hand for long though, and she’s suddenly hopping down and gently pushing Toni backward as they kiss._

_When her calves collide with the edge of the bed, she eagerly lets herself fall back under Shelby. She straddles her and returns Toni’s earlier favor, kissing and sucking on the brunette’s neck. Shelby palms the bottom of the jersey and starts to pull it up, but Toni catches her wrist._

_“Keep it on,” Toni pleads. “You look…” she swallows, “…unbelievable.”_

_Shelby responds with a mischievous grin but leaves the jersey on and drops both of her hands to Toni’s chest. Then her tongue joins the mix and Toni notices that Shelby’s more mouthy than usual, leaving dark marks in her wake. She raises an eyebrow at the blonde._

_“What? Can’t I stake my claim, too?” She asks._

_“All of me is all yours, babe. You know that.”_

_Shelby looks at her for a moment, which somehow feels more intimate than everything else they’ve done this morning. There’s a myriad of emotions trapped in her gaze that Toni could never adequately describe; the only word that comes to her is warm. Shelby has a transcendental ability to make her feel wanted and appreciated and at home with just her gentle expression._

_Shelby finally breaks eye contact, and this is the part where Toni allows herself to release her inhibitions and just feel. She feels Shelby’s mouth return to her chest and her hand creep up her thigh. Toni’s been wet since she laid eyes on Shelby, so she’s well past ready by the time Shelby slides into her and works circles over her bundle of nerves._

_It doesn’t take long. It never does. It’s Shelby whispering how much she loves her that finally does her in. It always is._

_T_ _he rest of the day unfolds seamlessly, with a kind of familiarity that Toni has never known before. They make a stack of pancakes and Shelby ends up with a dribble of syrup down her chest, which Toni happily cleans up with her mouth. Her head ends up between Shelby’s legs as the pancakes burn. Then they land on the couch for round three, but the part Toni cherishes most is the moments after with her head nestled against Shelby’s chest._

Toni half-laughs to herself, jolting her back to reality. She laughs again, fully this time; a hearty chuckle that starts in her gut and spews out of her throat. It’s the funniest thing to happen to her all year.

The realization that this is her fantasy of choice not because it’s hot as fuck, but because it’s domestic and comfortable and loving and all of the things she’s never had.

 _When did I become so fucking sappy?_ She thinks.

She knows the answer, of course.

She was whipped for the girl the moment she laid eyes on her and irrevocably bound to her the moment their lips had pressed together.

Apparently tonight she’s in the mood to be honest because she suddenly finds herself admitting the real reason she looks forward to these nights. Sure, her personal porno is great, but that’s not the main event. It’s in the moments after, while the metaphorical credits roll and she lets herself look at _it_. She only allows herself this luxury once a day or she’d find herself relentlessly staring at it.

Sighing, Toni pulls the tattered slip of paper from where it’s nestled in the elastic of her bunker sweats. She found the first one three days after the lychee tree, tucked into her sweatshirt. Another the following week shoved into her Dawn of Eve drawstring. Shelby had written her nine in total. Toni wishes she had memorized all of them.

She only managed to grab one as they were carted off the island and separated from each other. It’s not much, but it’s also everything.

It has one of Shelby’s doodles: two clouds that overlap into a heart.

_T–_

_My favorite way to pass the time is with thoughts of you._

_–S_

It gives Toni hope that somehow, somewhere, Shelby is alive and safe and thinking of her, too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos on chapter 1. I hope you enjoy part 2 and leave a comment.

It’s not even theirs, technically. Fatin and Dot are renting it, but Fatin covers most of the cost. In fact, she takes care of all of the girls financially as much as she can. Leah teases that she’s still a goods provider.

It’s a two-bedroom, one-bath twenty minutes outside of LA. Dot’s room is simple, with a full bed, a desk, and a dresser, but she often comments on how it’s the best place she’s stayed in a while. Fatin’s room is the biggest and impeccably decorated. Leah stays over almost every night and Toni’s noticed that she’s taken over two of Fatin’s dresser drawers and a chunk of her closet. Toni chuckles at the fact that she’s not the only one completely enamored with her girlfriend.

The five of them usually have to hang out huddled around Fatin and Leah’s bed now that Toni and Shelby have taken over the living room. The apartment is fortunately arranged such that they can block off the space with a divider and still access all of the other rooms. It’s private but not soundproof, which Dot likes to remind them of often.

“I’m happy you guys are here, but I’ll be damned if I have to listen to you two go at it,” she grumbles. “Hearing Fleah moan each other’s names every night is scarring enough.”

“Our couple name is not Fleah, Dorothy,” Fatin retorts.

“Yeah, it is. We’ve got Fleah in one room and Telby in the other. Fuck, I’m buying earplugs tomorrow.”

“Telby?” Shelby mouths to Toni. She just shrugs in response.

The criminal trial is underway and it’s exhausting for all of them, shuffling between the courtroom and meetings with their lawyers. Toni pushes through with the thought of getting justice from the villains who put them through this and the fact that the civil trial will follow shortly after.

The five of them have a standing bet of how much they’ll win. Fatin maintains it’ll be something in the multi-million-dollar range, but Toni just wants enough to cover the therapy they all desperately need and take care of Shelby. Maybe enough for them to get a place of their own one day and paint it yellow.

Sometimes the group spends their evenings browsing houses online and pitching them to each other.

_Oh, this one has a whirlpool in the master bathroom, perfect for Telby._

_You guys would love this one: A walk-in master closet and a full library!_

It’s fun to look, but Toni has a sneaking suspicion that no one is going to move out too quickly. The bond is too strong. It’s something Toni hasn’t experienced before; the feeling of her rough edges brushing up against someone else’s and instead of crumbling, they slot together and mend.

She feels it when she and Leah divulge their past heartbreaks to each other and admit how scared they are of history repeating itself.

She feels it when Dot reminisces about her father in the past tense and Toni doesn’t even know what tense to speak about her dad in.

And of course, she feels it when she and Shelby draw parallels between feeling so crushed with parental control and so hopelessly untethered without it.

*****

They haven’t done laundry in a while. That’s how Shelby ends up wearing it. She usually sports some soft pink number that Toni can’t really describe, but it’s unwashed in laundry basket, which forces Shelby to grab something from the back of their dresser to sleep in.

It’s not her jersey, but her basketball zip-up with her number and the word _captain_ scrawled across it. It is one of Toni’s few pre-island possessions that she managed to grab from Martha’s house before moving to LA.

“You should wear my clothes more often,” Toni says when she sees her. “I mean, you look good in everything, but this is…” once again, her vocabulary can’t adequately describe the goddess that is her girlfriend “…a huge turn on.”

Shelby smiles widely and meets Toni’s gaze. They’ve done this so many times and this is still one of Toni’s favorite parts; when she gets to stare into Shelby’s green eyes knowing what they’re about to embark on together. Today they’re grayer than usual and Toni can tell the stress of the last few months is wearing on her by the circles underneath them. What’s the same, though, is the intimate warmth that washes over her when she looks at her deeply.

Soon they’re kissing and running their hands along each other in a way that’s familiar but not boring. Toni falters when she feels Shelby’s fingers brush against the elastic of her boy shorts. She can feel that she is very much not ready for below-the-waist action. She catches herself thinking about how much easier it was on the island when they were frantic and practically dripping for each other every time. Hell, once they logged six rounds in one day. Now she finds herself like this: her mind is so tuned into Shelby and desperate for her touch but sometimes her body just won’t cooperate, like it’s holding on to the stresses of the day. Shelby notices as soon as she dips her hand into Toni’s underwear.

“Hey, it’s okay, T. It’s normal,” Shelby soothes. But it doesn’t feel normal to Toni. Sure, she’s exhausted from a full day of meeting with their lawyer and stressed about Gretchen’s umpteenth day of testimony tomorrow. But Shelby’s the hottest thing she’s ever seen and she treasures sex with her girlfriend. This is far from the ideal reaction.

“I have an idea,” Shelby adds and suddenly she’s jumping out of bed and ducking behind their little curtain.

“Fatin, I’m borrowin’ your fancy lotion,” Toni hears Shelby shout.

“Fine, but I need it back pronto. You know that’s my pre-sex lotion. Keeps all my bits nice and smooth.”

Leah audibly smacks Fatin and Dot yells from the other room, “will y’all shut up?”

“You know you love us, Dottie,” Shelby says sweetly and retreats back to where Toni is waiting.

“Turn over on your stomach, babe,” she instructs. Shelby’s lotioned hands press into her shoulders, her fingers working over the knots in her muscles. She lets Toni enjoy the full treatment, massaging across her neck and shoulders, down her back and bottom, and finishing with her calves and feet.

“That feels amazing,” Toni groans. Shelby rewards her with a kiss on her shoulder. She lets her mouth linger there for a minute before peppering open-mouth kisses down Toni’s neck. Toni has the semi-ridiculous thought that if Shelby had a superpower it would be always knowing exactly what Toni needs even when she doesn’t herself.

“Can you turn over for me, beautiful?” Toni flips wordlessly and closes her eyes as Shelby’s hands return to her body. This time she focuses her efforts on her chest. The way Shelby uses her fingers and her mouth in unison has Toni squirming beneath her.

“God, you’re sexy,” Shelby mumbles against her chest. “Can I try touching you, babe?”

“Please,” Toni groans.

Shelby, the magical woman she is, managed to simultaneously take Toni’s mind off of her worries and solve their earlier problem. Now she fills her easily and deeply. Toni is so lost in the feeling that she lets a heavy moan slip past her lips. Shelby clamps her hand over Toni’s mouth and raises her eyebrows as if to shush her.

“Sorry, babe. You’re just that fucking good,” Toni whispers.

A minute later, Shelby’s breath is hot against the shell of her ear, “I love you so much.” That still does it for Toni every time.

As the aftershocks wear off, the pleasant haze of drowsiness settles over Toni. She’s delightfully worn out, but she wants Shelby to feel as good as she just did.

“Your turn?” Toni asks as her eyes flutter shut.

“Baby, you’re exhausted.”

“But I want to touch you,” Toni argues. To prove her point, she reaches to palm Shelby’s chest through her bra.

“There’s always tomorrow, love.”

“Mmph, okay. But tomorrow…” she’s interrupted by her own yawn “…I’m going to rock your world.”

Shelby giggles and pulls Toni to her chest. This is Toni’s favorite way to sleep: her legs sprawled across Shelby’s and her ear tucked against her chest so she can hear her heartbeat as she drifts off. She always insists on covering the both of them with a pile of blankets but inevitably kicks them off during the night. Shelby never minds.

*****

Toni immediately notices her girlfriend is missing when she wakes up. For one, it’s past 10 am and Shelby’s usually wakes her up with coffee and a kiss by 8:30. Toni recalls that Shelby has an early meeting with a guidance counselor at a local college she wants to take classes at.

Toni’s next thought is to look for the note. Shelby always leaves one when she has to take off before Toni wakes up. They’re both aware that it’d be easier to send a text, but there’s a nostalgia from the beginning of their relationship that they’re not willing to give up.

Sure enough, it’s laying on Toni’s nightstand.

_T–_

_I didn’t want to wake you up since I’m sure you’re exhausted from last night ;)_

_I had the sweetest dream about you, but somehow waking up next to you was even sweeter._

_–S_

She reads it over a few times before slipping it into the worn envelope she keeps of Shelby’s notes. Every time she gets a new one, she can’t help but think about the original. Then she’s reminded of her bunker fantasy and how starkly it contrasts her reality.

It’s not a house and it’s not theirs. It’s not even a bedroom. Money is tight and the sex isn’t perfect and they can’t be too loud. There’s usually not enough time for three rounds and Toni doesn’t even know where her jersey is.

But Toni gets to hold Shelby every night and wake up to her green eyes every morning and it’s so much better than she’d imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a huge fan of the dynamic between these five and would love to see more from them. In season 1, we had Dot/Fatin/Leah on one side and Shelby/Toni on the other, but we saw how beautiful the bond between Dot and Shelby is, so I think all of them together could be wonderful. They all deserve happiness. What do you all think? Anything else you’d like to see from this fic?

**Author's Note:**

> The thought of Shelby in Toni’s basketball jersey lives rent-free in my head. On the other hand, Sarah Streicher and Amy Harris’ warned us to expect a “truckload of emotions” for Shoni in season 2, so I’m preparing myself now by dabbling in something a little more angsty. Thus, this mashup was born.
> 
> I was thinking about writing a second chapter set in the future where Toni and Shelby do get their house together and Toni considers how living with Shelby compares to her fantasies here. Let me know if that would be of interest to folks.


End file.
